It’s True: Thinking Beats Feelings

Are your feelings the boss of you? If so, you’re human, and that can happen. However, it doesn’t mean that our feelings are productive and healthy. Let’s not deny them, but as a friend of mine says, feelings are like our kids in the backseat as we head down the highway—we know they’re there, we’re aware of them, but we don’t let them drive the car!

Bad things indeed happen to all people. As we write in Raising Accountable Kids, life is fair because adverse events occur for everyone. So, the question becomes, do our emotions drive/control us?

It Is All About Thinking

Successful people are aware of their feelings and put them in perspective with sound thinking, such as, How can I move beyond my pain? What can I do to move forward? How can I let go?

Those questions are called “QBQs” (The Question Behind the Question, tutorial here). When asked, they cause us to look into the mirror to practice Personal Accountability and ownership, ultimately achieving outstanding results at home and work.

However, when we let anger, driven by hurt, fear, and loss, dictate our lives, we stray. We become the permanent victim who engages in a never-ending Pity Party and falls prey to “externalizing,” a fancy word for blame and finger-pointing. Essentially, we self-sabotage.

There is a better path. Mental and emotional discipline are hallmark characteristics of individuals who set and achieve goals, maintain healthy relationships, and succeed in many, if not all, areas of life. In other words, they put a lot of thought into their thinking so they can change their emotions for the better.

Quick Example

As I’ve aged, I’ve become more aware of my feelings. Example: As a professional speaker, I’ve flown a couple of million miles. It took me a long time to figure out that when I arrive home from a trip where I’ve been out in public, mostly airports with other humans, I am frustrated, drained, mentally and physically tired. The result? I’m a grump.

Until I became aware of these negative emotions—and what caused them—I could not arrest them, “regulate” them if you will, with healthy, positive thoughts, helping me move beyond them.

Healthy Thoughts Are QBQs

The QBQs I now ask when re-entering home life: “How can I be present?” “What can I do to be thankful for my blessings?” And “How can I serve others?”—meaning, my wife, Karen, and seven offspring. 

Those questions enable me to move toward action. Like we say at QBQ, Inc., less stewing and more doing. Wallowing in negative emotions achieves nothing positive. Taking control of my thoughts allows me to improve my life.

Do you ask QBQs? If not, you may be asking IQs (Incorrect Questions), such as, “Why is this happening to me?” “When will others support me more?” “Who will help me get through this?” and “Why doesn’t anyone understand my problems?” These lousy questions—or thoughts—engender lousy emotions.

Be the Boss

Something bad happened in your world recently? Ask yourself what’s “bossing you around”—your emotions or your thoughts? Winners are constantly disciplining their thoughts to remain in charge of their feelings. They do this by asking QBQs. 👏🏻

Are you?