What is a rarely-touted but essential skill to improve relationships?
Pausing.
The power of the pause is easy to overlook, especially in a world that values and rewards speed. Fast responses. Rapid reactions. Speedy decisions.
Being responsive is certainly important. In fact, there’s a chapter in Outstanding! titled “Be Fast!” The top organizations act quickly, often leaving competitors wondering what just happened?!
But, like many parts of life, balance is valuable. The truth is, some of the most important moments in relationships, at work, and at home happen in the space between stimulus and response.
Recently, on The QBQ! Podcast, I had a conversation with guest Laura Train about how learning to ask better questions changed her responses and, in turn, affected her relationships and leadership. During our conversation, she shared this with me:
The Story
A father always seemed to argue with his college-age son every time they got in the car together. The son, like many young adults, would start talking about changing majors, switching schools, or trying something new. The father’s reaction was always the same. He’d respond with IQs (Incorrect Questions) like, “Why can’t you stick with something?” “When will you settle down and commit?” “Who’s putting these ideas in your head?” These questions, born out of frustration, concern—and love—made for long, tension-filled drives.
Then, one day, the father did something different …
He paused.
Instead of reacting with negative questions, he asked a different one: “What can I do to make your dreams come true?”
Everything changed.
The Lesson
The tone of the conversation shifted. The tension eased. Instead of arguing, they talked. Instead of fuming in silence, they listened. Instead of shutting down, they opened up.
That’s the power of the pause—and it brings value to all areas of our lives and in every relationship.
When we pause, we create space to switch from talking and telling to asking and listening. There’s now room to replace blame with curiosity, frustration with understanding, and control with support.
The QBQ! book teaches us that asking better questions leads to better results because questions like “What can I do?” and “How can I help?” prompt us to pause. In our fast-paced environment, pausing is a skill everyone would benefit from developing.
So, here’s a simple suggestion:
Pause.
And ask a better question.
(And if you’d like to, right now, pause and enjoy the QBQ! Podcast episode with my guest, Laura!)
