3 Ways To Handle “Toxic” Colleagues
I recently heard someone say, “She always seems to have a chip on her shoulder.” Upon hearing that old phrase, I decided to write this piece. Hope it’s not too blunt. 😎
Defining The Chip: Victim Thinking
When a person has a chip on his or her shoulder, that person 
is essentially holding a grudge, carrying a grievance, and feeling sorry for self. That shoulder chip often leads to belligerence, blame, whining, complaining, anger, and argumentativeness. Not good stuff.
When we have a “chip on the shoulder,” we are simply wallowing in —
Victim Thinking.
Unlike our beautiful balloon rising above the Colorado landscape, well—we’re not rising above.
At the end of this piece, we’ll share 6 steps to rising above victim thinking. Read on!
But here’s the thing about victim thinking:
Humans <almost> never need encouragement to play the victim. We get there quite easily all by ourselves.
Stop Helping People Have Chips
Have you noticed many folks on Facebook, Twitter, and other Social Media platforms seem to go out of their way to encourage others (groups, races, genders, political parties, individuals) to play the victim? I don’t get it.
Does “unfair” happen in this world? Of course. But …
Does posting about “unfairness” help anyone live a better life?
When we dwell on what’s not fair do we grow?
What value exists in driving others toward victimhood?
As a mentor taught me to always ask—What’s the purpose?
I don’t see the purpose in posts that encourage people to place a new chip on their shoulder or grow an old one. My counsel is this:
Do not do anything to encourage anyone to add one more shoulder chip to his/her life. I know when I am sporting a chip or two, I am at my worst.
Why would I want others to go there?
We All Could Have Chips
Who can’t find something to be angry about, no matter our heritage, upbringing, past, or present?
Here’s my “tragic to the trivial” list:
- My dad was an alcoholic. Should I remain wounded at age 60?
- When I was 7, my mother slapped me with a hairbrush, causing my cheek to bleed. Should I dwell on this one parenting lapse 53 years later?
- My mom died of an aneurysm one Tuesday when I was 16. Am I a victim?
- In 9th grade, I was hit, knocked down, and kicked by three African American teens. Is it right to hold that against Blacks today? And …
- When I told the principal about the attack, he blamed me for “being on school grounds after school.” Should I now march in protest of school administrators who fear the “racist” label?
- I had a horrible customer experience with a store manager at Auto Zone. Should I boycott Auto Zone? (Story here)
- I found an un-chewable something in my RX protein bar that was so hard, I almost broke a tooth. Should I sue the distributor, Chocolate Bar Company?
Personally, I don’t want my headstone to read —
Here lies an angry, grudge-holding, always-a-victim fella who believed the world was out to get him.
Do you?
What To Do With Those Chips
When I have a chip on my shoulder, that is, when I play victim, I serve no one. I don’t serve my family, employer, co-workers, friends, customers, community, place of worship, humankind—or myself.
That’s right—not even me. So let’s work to eliminate them right now!
6 Steps To Eliminating Shoulder Chips
- Ask, “When I slip into victimhood, what personal ‘hot button’ issues am I focused on?” Jot them down.
- Identify the negative emotions that are engendered when you focus on those issues. Know your feelings inside and out.
- Since emotions drive actions, specifically identify where those negative feelings take you behaviorally. Write them down. Now cross them out!
- Commit to doing no harm. Face-to-face, by phone/email/text, or on Social Media—DO NOT HELP OTHERS PLAY VICTIM.
- If Social Media is a source of angst leading you to acquire more shoulder chips, stay/get off all platforms now.
- Identify the people who help lead you down the victim path. Ask them to stop or, if possible, disassociate from them today.
In the end, our goal is to discipline ourselves while encouraging each other to rise above, brush those shoulder chips off, and be our best.
Do you believe this to be a worthy goal?
I do.
Comments welcome!
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Thank you for helping us focus on the logs in our own eyes instead of the splinter in our “brothers'” eyes! And AMEN about how negative so much of what you see/read on social media is. I make a choice every day to be a “balcony” person and not a “basement” person. I’m not always good at it, but I keep working on it.
Cathi, thank you for seeing the value in the core message of this post. Yes, I need to always to remove my own planks. And “balcony” vs. “basement” – love it!
Thanks John, you always get to the core of it all. I have a “victim” neighbor and I’m trying really hard to head her off at the pass when she starts complaining and point her in another direction. It’s hard work!!! I’m feeling like I’m the victim of her playing the victim. Yikes!
“Does posting about “unfairness” really help people?” Sometimes raising awareness about unfairness is the first step in changing societal norms, especially when it relates to what fair minded people would consider equitable treatment of others. You make great points in this essay as you always do – thank you! It becomes a victim mentality when posting about unfairness is whining vs. doing so to point out a flaw in our behaviors, norms, etc. It’s about empathy vs. sympathy, seeking personal attention vs. attention for an issue of importance, etc. How it’s intended and how it’s interpreted may also be divergent which can be problematic. Unfairness takes on many forms including prejudice and ensuing inappropriate discrimination, while the perpetrators may see it as victim mentality. Societal norms change over time because unfairness is eventually aired, hopefully resulting in changes to those norms. It’s a form of progress. Fine line at times for sure between perceived and actual wrongs, too.
Ed, thanks. When I added that rhetorical question, I figured someone would make the point you made. Thanks for sharing. I’m all for trying to straighten out the world – but I just don’t think posting article, images, and messages on Facebook that drives people to think YEAH, I AM PUT UPON! THE WORLD IS UNFAIR TO ME! adds much value on Social Media. Got a problem in our world to fix, I say let’s go fix it. 🙂 Thanks for jumping in!
Absolutely agree with you John. This obsession that some people have with getting attention by making others sorry for them through social media is despicable. What happened to a time when you solved problems without whining about it. I remember how life was before the social media explosion. No one had a platform to share all their problems for everyone to see. Now it’s “LOOK AT ME, MY LIFE IS SO MESSED UP! LIKE THIS POST SO I CAN FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF!”. Ridiculous. I stay away from social media for that reason. Too much nonsense on there
Love your articles. How nice it would be to have the educational system pumping these messages into the classrooms. “Chip” sounds milder than “grudge” but amount to the same thing, no?
Thanks, Mary. Chip, grudge … both bad! 🙂
Thanks John, your emails really help me to re-center my attitude and beliefs and they help me understand other people who unknowingly cannot get pass those logs. As we grow older those logs can really interfere with seeing the wonderful world we live in. It’s all good! Find it!
Excellent, Ron … “recentering” is good!
I was forwarded your above article and I have to admit it is well written and has some good advice. My question for you is ” Did you proofread it before it was published?” I ask this because you state that you want to try and prevent causing shoulder chips on other people (step 4) but you reference an article that you wrote about one of your negative experiences at a local retailer. Shouldn’t you chalk that up to a chip from the past and not stir the pot? Was it a single experience at that location or an ongoing problem? It sounds like the District Manager was helpful in your resolution as well. I’m not trying to say that your experience wasn’t news worthy in a relative environment, just not relative to include the link in this article since it’s contrary to the topic. Keep up the good word though, I enjoy reading your posts when I can!
Brian, thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Great commentary on a popular role!!! Here’s my belief on the topic: When one perceives themself as the victim, they remove their responsibility as well as power to change the situation. Victim mentality is always a weak position to place ones self in. Choose victor mentality and then and only then can you move forward with solutions. Thank you!!
Jennifer, love this!: “Choose victor mentality and then and only then can you move forward with solutions.” Thanks!
Is having a chip on your shoulder the same things as looking at the negative side of a situation?
Good question, Jeffrey. What’s your gut on this?
Love it – we are all one step away from being a victim – let’s choose not to be that one!
Thanks, John! Yes, let’s make that choice!
I absolutely loved this. I have a LinkedIn profile. Period. That’s it. I have refused to get sucked into the social media swirl & insanity. I am convinced that the peace of mind I have today is somewhat due to holding firm on that decision. I realize that many people can’t avoid it completely. But the trick is keeping control of it, rather than letting it take over your life.
MicheLe, that kind of personal discipline is rare these days. Good for you!
Thank you John. In my opinion, this is one of the best pieces you’ve written. Great job!
Great message! So insightful. I love sharing these with my Leadership team. We are working to develop our SMART Goals for 2019 and find your perspective, comments, method of sharing to be just what we need.
Thank you John.