The Question Behind The Question ®

QBQ! Blog

Ownership Beats Blame – Every Time!

This story came to us at QBQ, Inc. by way of a QBQ! reader/reviewer who found it posted on his blog:

Over the past few weeks I’ve been getting frustrated with my dad who hasn’t been calling me. Several times he’s accidentally dialed me and when I answered he’d say, “Oops, I’m actually in a meeting” or ” … too busy to chat” and would call me back, but he hasn’t. It’s frustrating, but that’s his personality.

So I was complaining to my husband that my dad never calls. But then he suggested a novel idea: He said instead of blaming my dad, “Maybe YOU should call HIM?”

Me? Call him? I thought. No, he’s the “grown up” in this situation and he should want to talk to his daughter! But then I read the review of this QBQ! book and thought, Personal accountability: Calling your father instead of complaining and making the issue a bigger deal then it needs to be. Now that’s a good idea!

————————————

Essentially, this gal changed her thoughts – away from blame to ownership – and made her own life better. As we teach in QBQ, “Stress is a choice!” We truly do create our own tension.

Some people don’t buy that, can you imagine? :-)

Question: When did you last reduce your own stress by practicing personal accountability/ownership?

Please share!

 John G. Miller, author

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Blame: The Spreadable Sin

***Don’t miss our new poll below!

So often people say, “There’s plenty of blame to go around!” (It’s a favorite phrase of the media).

It seems to be our human nature to immediately ask Whodunnit?! when something happens that was unplanned, painful, disappointing—or embarrassing. When it all goes wrong—even if we know in our heart that what we did was a stupid thing to do—it’s tempting to spread the blame around saying, “Well, yeah, I did do that, but, you see, that person over there made me do it!” Or, “I accept 65% of the blame, but he/she is 35% responsible, too!” In the ’70s, a common phrase that adorned car bumpers was this:

The Devil Made Me Do It!

It seems very VERY difficult for people to simply say, “I own the results. No excuses!”

If you’re one who gets excited over books on “emotional intelligence,” then here it is: Emotionally healthy people are okay with saying, “Yeah, I blew this. Foolish me. I did it, nobody else.” If you’re also one who reads books on the overly explored topic of “leadership”—I just gave you the words leaders say, freely and willingly.

Yes, life is complex, complicated, and ever changing. I understand the temptation to look for culprits and scapegoats, but at 53 I’ve discovered, as many of you have, it’s simply better to practice Personal Accountability. Let’s each ask The Question Behind the Question—the QBQ—”How can I take greater ownership for my mistakes and learn from them?”

To make this practical, please visit our newest poll here: http://poll.pollcode.com/680

Simply put: Let’s stop spreading blame around. It does a person—and a country—no good.

Critical Question: What mistake did I make but blamed others for?

Please comment on these thoughts above and tell us your views of blame.

 

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Accountable Parenting

Little did we know on that first date as teens in November 1976 in Ithaca, N.Y. that we’d someday parent seven children and put together a book on just that subject. Thanks to all of you who humbled us through the years by asking for a product that connects the QBQ! message of personal accountabiity to the most critical job one can hold: raising kids.

The result? The new e-book Parenting the QBQ Way and it is available … now!

So, with great enthusiasm and not too much fanfare, we want you to know that “PQW” is ready to shoot straight into your eReader or computer! But first, enjoy a chapter from the book below. And if you do happen to order it, please send us your stories and examples (our email addresses are in the book) of how you apply Parenting the QBQ Way in your home. We’d love to hear.

Oh, and if you’re not a mom or dad, please forward this QBQ! QuickNote to all of the parents that you know. Thanks!

John and Karen Miller

——————–

Our twentysomething daughter, Molly, was in charge of a neighbor’s twelve-year-old boy for a weekend while his parents traveled. On Saturday morning, Molly brought him over to hang out at our house, along with his buddy Grayson. We’d never met Grayson, nor had we met Grayson’s mom and dad. We don’t know what they’re like, where they’re from, or what they do for a living, but we do know something about them. They left clear evidence—in Grayson.

We live on a couple acres of Colorado land with a big barn and a swimming pool. There are signs everywhere that this has been home to seven children: a trampoline, a rope to swing on, a well-worn four-wheeler, and lots of indoor “techno toys.” It’s a place that kids can really enjoy. So for many hours the boys had tons of fun and the day flew by.

Around 7 P.M., Molly yelled, “Guys, time to go!” Hearing high-energy footsteps and the swift opening and closing of doors, we assumed they’d all left the house, so we were startled when Grayson appeared in our living room.

“Thanks for letting me come over, Mr. and Mrs. Miller!”
“You’re welcome,” we replied. “Hope you had fun.”
“I sure did!”
“Come again, okay?” Karen said.
“I will. Thanks!”
“Terrific! See ya, Grayson.”
“Okay. Have a good evening. Bye!”

Hmm, did we just interact with an engaging young person who demonstrated courtesy and gratitude? Did he actually say, “Have a good evening”?

And instantly we knew this: He didn’t pick any of that up by watching television. He learned it from his mom and dad because, like children everywhere, he is a product of his parents’ outstanding parenting.

Some people will pursue endlessly the “nature versus nurture” debate, but we’re not going there in Parenting the QBQ Way. Sure, this trait or that characteristic might be born into our kids, but the danger in thinking about the impact of “nature” is that we’ll use nature as an excuse for whatever our children are like if we’re not careful. Since this book is focused on personal accountability in parenting, the last thing we’ll do is encourage any dad or mom—including John and Karen Miller—to look outside of ourselves and the way we parent to find reasons why our children think, feel, or act the way they do.

We know that this is a difficult notion for many parents to accept, so we’re going to say it early to set the tone:

If you have problems with your teen, you likely had problems with your toddler.

A parent writes this:

Our eighth-grade son is driving us crazy! Each week he’s supposed to empty all of the trash cans in the house, consolidate the garbage into bags—not cans—and place it by the curb for pickup. But he routinely places one of our large cans on the street instead, knowing it’s the wrong way to do it! When he doesn’t set his alarm at night and oversleeps, he blames his sister for not getting him up. If we tell him to stop playing games on the computer and do his homework, he ignores us and says that we’re “mean.” When he doesn’t practice his piano lesson, he takes absolutely no accountability for his lack of preparedness for the next time he’s with his teacher. What do we do? Help!

This is an awfully frustrating situation—and we truly feel for these parents—but problems like these don’t appear overnight. We don’t mean for this to sound harsh, but we believe problems like these are a direct result of the parents’ practices through the child’s lifetime. So the wrong questions to ask are “Why is my child so difficult?” and “When will he change?” while the right questions would be: “What have I done to create my current problems?” and “How can I start parenting differently?” Questions like these (we call them QBQs) not only represent accountable thinking, they lead to learning—and where there is learning there is change.

For many parents, one key change needed is the willingness to adopt this principle:

My child is a product of my parenting.

With this premise in place, regardless of the age of the child, any parent can become the outstanding mom or dad they wish to be by practicing personal accountability.

<excerpted from the “PQW” book>

John and Karen Miller

5 ways to buy …
Amazon Kindle:

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-QBQ-Way-Accountability-ebook/dp/B005UT19CE/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1326459133&sr=1-1

B&N Nook:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/parenting-the-qbq-way?keyword=parenting+the+qbq+way&store=allproducts

iTunes:

http://itunes.apple.com/us/book/parenting-the-qbq-way/id472468498?mt=11

Kobo:

http://tinyurl.com/7jkokau

Sony:

http://ebookstore.sony.com/search?keyword=parenting+the+qbq+way

John G. Miller
The Millers
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Managers: Get Some Training!

Grab past QBQ QuickNotes here.

Enjoy two “fast and fun” QBQ! interviews, as well as a 12 minute podcast with Dave Ramsey, all here: http://outstandingorganization.com/podcasts/

Note: This QuickNote is longer than most, but covers a critical subject matter. So grab a cup of coffee or a Diet Coke and enjoy—and then forward to every manager you know!

I sometimes coach a pastor whose church is thriving. This man has many skills and gifts. He is an outstanding teacher with boundless energy. His passion is evident and there is joy in his heart. He genuinely loves people. His church meets in a terrific facility in an outstanding location. The word has gotten out and his “flock” is growing.

Over coffee he expressed frustration in one area, though. Staff. More specifically, managing staff. After he shared a few specifics, I asked this question: What have you done, in a formal way, to develop your skills and abilities in the area of people management? He looked at me with a face that said, I’ve never thought about that. Then he answered: “Nothing.”

This pastor is not alone. By founding a church in his living room in 2006 and growing it to over 700 people—with God’s grace—he has been placed in a manager-leader role. But, he has yet to purposefully equip himself with the fundamental “how to’s” of managing people. This is no criticism of him. In organizations across the land people who are good at doing stuff get promoted to manager-leader all the time … and receive exactly no training. Back in the day, when I was promoted to branch manager and sent from Montana to Missouri, the entire training program consisted of, “Go east, young man!”

I find almost thirty years later that little has changed in the organizational world.

We at QBQ, Inc. don’t focus on management training, but sometimes we’ll ask clients, “What good, solid people management training have you offered to help managers become managers?”

The common answer: “Nothing.”

Curious, if you were having brain surgery tomorrow would you hope the surgeon has some training?! If you were visiting the dentist because your tooth hurt, would you want her to know what she’s doing? If you invited a contractor to your house to help renovate, wouldn’t you hope that he’s done this before and has the skills and knowledge to do an outstanding job?

Of course.

So then who wants to be managed by an untrained manager? Do you? I don’t. But actually—most people are.

What happens so often is the top salesperson becomes the sales manager, the sharpest technician becomes the manager of technicians, and the best burger flipper becomes the shift supervisor. But very rarely is training provided to help the salesperson, the technician, and the burger flipper make this critical transition. Yet, everybody knows that the most important person in a staff member’s professional life is … their manager.

Furthermore, anyone reading this QBQ! QuickNote understands this:

Nine times out of ten, people do not quit the organization. They quit their manager.

In the Outstanding! book we write:

Managing others is a whole different skill set from developing software or paying invoices or answering questions on an employee hotline or keeping systems running or selling products and services. When managers aren’t trained, and thus don’t understand the management job, there are many consequences—one being that good people go right out the door.

For a decade I sold management training. The firm I represented provided content that helped managers understand their five core obligations to those they managed:

- Define tasks clearly so they know what to do
- Train/coach them to do what is expected
- Confront them when they’re off-track
- Set clear objectives and goals
- Encourage and praise

Though all critical, let’s camp on that last one. In Parenting the QBQ Way Karen and I talk about how words delivered from the lips of Mom or Dad can mean the world to children—or destroy their world. Though the manager-employee relationship should not be parent-child and too often is, the analogy works. A manager’s words can lift up and encourage or cut down and demoralize. When a manager says something mean, sarcastic, arrogant, or shaming, it does nothing to cause the staff member to want to succeed, or to help them succeed.

I am often amazed at the dumb things managers say to people. And because the manager is in a “power position” over the employee, those words can hurt, frustrate, or scare a staff member so much he or she may struggle to sleep that night. But the manager is not awake. Why? Usually because the manager has no idea how those words impacted one of their very own team members.

Managers, some quick tips:

Watch your words. Talk less. Ask more questions. Treat team members as individuals. Discover what drives each person. Don’t argue with employees in an attempt to “be right.” Freely employ the powerful words, “I’m sorry, I was wrong.” And when it’s time for a frank conversation, please do not do it over email or text. Truth be told, in this high tech world nothing beats a low tech, old fashioned, totally retro face-to-face, one-on-one conversation—or phone call. Effective manager-leaders know this. You won’t find them confronting over the Internet.

Sometimes, we hear the phrase “raising up leaders.” I believe there is no leadership without good people management. In Outstanding! we suggest:

What most aspiring leaders don’t know is that when people describe their boss as a good leader and then are asked to articulate specifically what that person does to lead, this is what we hear:

– My boss communicates what I should do.
– He talks to me … and listens.
– When I get it right, she praises me.
– He tells me when I am off track.
– I am trained and coached.
– She spends time with me.
– He shows me respect.

Every item listed above is a people management skill. These are the things effective managers do, day in and day out, with and for their people. I have yet to find a boss anywhere who was described as a “great leader” who wasn’t first a terrific manager of his or her staff.

So, a final thought for managers everywhere:

Practice personal accountability by choosing to immerse yourself in quality management training even if you have to pay for it yourself. A manager-leader’s role, scope, influence, and impact on people—and the organization—are WAY TOO BIG for anyone called “boss” to go untrained.

John G. Miller
John@QBQ.com
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Grab past QuickNotes here.

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Be an Owner, Not an Occupier

Enjoy two new “fast and fun” QBQ! interviews and a 12 minute podcast with Dave Ramsey: http://outstandingorganization.com/podcasts/

One definition of the trendy word “occupy” is to “dwell in a space.” Too often, we humans do this—we just take up space.

Sometimes, we just take up … time.

Time, as we all know, can be measured in years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, or seconds. But I like the word—the unit of time—called a “moment.”

It’s certainly a common description of time. We say, “Just a moment!” “I’ll be with you in a moment!” or “Please wait one moment.” Or, if we demonstrate quickness of mind or humor, or we act fast, decisively, and perform deftly, we are said to be “in the moment.” We are encouraged to “seize the moment.”

Moments are the essence of the adage, “Don’t blink or you’ll miss it.”

But it is easy to miss a moment. And what we’re really missing is the opportunity to own the moment. The truth is, opportunities come in moments and in moments there can be opportunity. When we fail to own the opportunities that come along, we diminish ourselves because—in that moment—we likely served less, contributed little, added no value, and eschewed practicing personal accountability.

On the flip side, when we simply OCCUPY a moment, we miss our chance to give, to help someone, to solve a problem. Occupiers of moments are often bystanders, watchers, observers. Quite honestly, sometimes they are complainers, whiners, blamers. Not always … I said sometimes.

Bottom line, I just think it’s better to own moments than to occupy them.

In Chapter One of the QBQ! book, there is story about Jacob, the Rock Bottom Restaurant server, who, as he was heading to the kitchen weighed down by a loaded tray of dirty dishes, spotted me, stopped, and met my needs. He didn’t think the thoughts of an Occupier such as, Not my department. Not my job. Not my problem.
   

He thought the thoughts of an Owner: I care. I want to serve others. I will be my best today.

Maybe a tad pedestrian, but because in the pedestrian we find the practical, here are the kinds of things people do when they own a moment:

  • A manager stops debating with a staff member, trying to win a point, and pauses, saying, “You know, I think there’s more to this than I’m aware of. Can you share with me what’s really on your mind?”
  • A parent, after instructing a child to stop engaging in a specific behavior, actually follows through, preventing disobedience and earning the child’s respect. (We call this “strong parenting” in Parenting the QBQ Way)
  • A salesperson on a sales call stops blathering on about the product and asks the customer, “What problems are you experiencing?” and “How can I best help you?”
  • A driver on the road responds to another driver—who just committed a mental error—with a rare-in-today’s-society friendly wave and a smile.
  • A spouse arriving home from a long, tough slog at work rises above, saying to the other, “Tell me about your day.”
  • A sibling, friend, or co-worker, when told by another that their words or actions hurt, stops and asks, “I am so sorry, what was it that I said or did?” instead of lashing out with defensiveness, justification, and blame.
  • A twentysomething with a cell phone, good car, and some money in his pocket stops to help a stranger on a Colorado highway at midnight as all the other cars drive on by.

Now, I am not recommending anyone engage in that last one and there’s no need to email me about the risk. I understand. But when Michael, the only Miller son, informed us the next morning that he’d stopped to help a woman stranded in a decade old vehicle with only $10 in her purse, secured a tow truck for her by phone with his debit card, and waited for help to arrive—I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of him.

Choosing to own a moment—not just occupy one—is really an outstanding way to live. At its core, it’s what personal accountability is all about, asking The Question Behind the Question (the QBQs): “What can I do to own this moment?” and “How can I right now make a difference?”

Don’t be an Occupier. Be an Owner. Only then can we be outstanding!

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Flipping the Switch with QBQ!

Enjoy the new 12 minute podcast with Dave Ramsey and John G. Miller: http://outstandingorganization.com/ramsey/

If someone asked me, “John, why do you and your team teach ‘Personal Accountability and the QBQ!’ wherever you go?” I would say, “Well, let’s have Steve with AutoTrader.com answer that!”

Steve’s story:

John, in February 2011 you spoke at the AutoTrader.com annual meeting in Atlanta. I was fortunate enough to receive a copy of Flipping the Switch. My first read through was completed on my fight home. There were many more reads to come.

Let’s fast forward 10 months to Friday, December 9th:

On that day I learned from my Regional Director that I’d been named “Regional Salesperson of the Year.” As I reflected on the achievement—feeling incredibly thankful—I pondered the reasons it had come about. I believe this recognition was partly a result of trying to do the right things in support of my co-workers and clients—and because of my strong belief in AutoTrader, our culture, mission, and leadership.

But, I truly believe the underlying reason for this achievement was the change that occurred in my thought process and behavior when I learned how to use “the question behind question”—the QBQ—to “flip the switch”!

Thanks to the QBQ! principles, I know that my results are mine to own and if they’re not what I wanted, I can’t blame my boss, my colleagues, my clients, or my family. Ownership and personal accountability are all about the choices that I make in my career and life. Over the past year, QBQ! became my approach in consulting, selling, coaching, relating, and interacting. QBQ! has led to deeper conversations and relationships, both at work and at home.

And a wonderfully satisfying end-of-year result!

Thank you!

Steve

—————————

And that’s why we teach “Personal Accountability and the QBQ!” But I need to say this to Steve:

A tool is of no value unless it’s used. You, Steve, heard the QBQ! message and ran with it, putting it into action. Now that’s outstanding!

Meanwhile, lots of good stuff happening with QBQ! If you believe in PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY, read on …

  • Parenting the QBQ! Way, an e-book by John G. Miller with Karen G. Miller, written to answer the question moms and dads have asked, “How can I best utilize the QBQ at home?” is coming. For your convenience, it can be ordered here now:

Amazon Kindle:

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-QBQ-Way-Accountability-ebook/dp/B005UT19CE/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1326459133&sr=1-1

B&N Nook:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/parenting-the-qbq-way?keyword=parenting+the+qbq+way&store=allproducts

iTunes:

http://itunes.apple.com/us/book/parenting-the-qbq-way/id472468498?mt=11

  • Believe middle and high schoolers can be more accountable? Take more ownership? If so, check out our new I Own It! Building Character Through Personal Accountability program for schools: http://qbq.com/schools/

Thanks for believing in QBQ!

John G. Miller

John@QBQ.com

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What’s new in the new QBQ! book?

 

Now that we’ve launched what we call the “gentle rewrite” of the QBQ! book a decade and one million copies later, people are asking the obvious question: What’s new in QBQ!?

So let’s answer that question.

But first, a matter of integrity: As the author, I don’t and won’t tell anyone who has the original version that they need to buy the new version. It’s still the same core message of PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY and the same outstanding stories of server Jacob at the Rockbottom Restaurant, flight attendant Bonita on the airplane, and cashier Judy at The Home Depot.

But I do believe it’s simply a better book. What can’t be improved? So we’ve added a brief Author’s Note that you can read here, improved the writing throughout, clarified key ideas, added a couple of concepts, and placed exactly one dozen FAQs in the back. The value in these is they provide us a chance to teach even further. Here are some of those FAQs:

  • Teamwork is critical in our organization. Does the QBQ’s focus on the individual conflict with the importance of teamwork?
  • Are you saying “Why?” “When?” and “Who?” questions are forever banished from our vocabulary?
  • Is the QBQ a behavior-management tool for managers to use on others?
  • What if my boss won’t practice the QBQ or my organization doesn’t support it?
  • Is the QBQ at all about holding people accountable?
  • If we can’t use the word “who,” then how can we have a discussion of what went wrong?
  • What if I keep asking, “How can I help you?” and the person keeps telling me there’s nothing I can do?

And my favorite:

  • Are you sure I can’t change someone else?

Yep, I’m sure.

If you have questions about the new version of QBQ!, please email me at John@QBQ.com.

Thanks for believing in PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY!

John G. Miller, QBQ, Inc., Denver, Colorado

 

 

 

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Accountability and Money

by John G. Miller

The QBQ! message of PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY touches every part of our lives: professional, spiritual, physical, emotional, mental, and financial. Let’s explore that last one—FINANCES—for three reasons. First, a money discussion is a relevant one because money is so integral to our lives, whether we like saying that out loud or not. Second, it’s the time of year when many people work to practice greater personal accountability in managing their income. And lastly, I’m blessed to be on The Dave Ramsey Show on the radio Thursday, January 26th at 3:30 Eastern time. Please tune in!

Allow me to share our personal journey …

Let’s go back a bit. Okay, waaaaay back. Not quite before indoor plumbing, but close. I had been working for a fine firm called Cargill as a grain trader in Mankato, Minnesota since 1980 when, in June of ’82, the company transferred Karen and me to Great Falls, Montana. Exciting! At 24 and 22 years old and originally from UpState, NY, we were going to the great state of Montana—and with a raise! Yep, I had been making $19,500 annually and Cargill bumped me up to $22,000 and said GO WEST! So we did.

When we arrived, not only did we buy our first house ($47,500 and built in 1904), we immediately did what all newby Montanans must do: We bought cowboy and cowgirl boots! They weren’t cheap, but they were pretty cool—at least we thought so. And for some reason, on that boot-buying day, we decided to treat ourselves to new watches! Why?

I don’t know!

And then we bought a ferret. Yes, you read that right. Forever the animal lovers, and no longer apartment dwellers, a ferret was just what we needed. Little did we know that the following year, Felix the Ferret would be stealing Kristin the First Born’s baby bottles and teething rings!

Anyway, after a few more unnecessary purchases the salary increase was spent.

Life continued. We moved briefly to Missouri and then back to Minnesota where Tara, Child #2, was born in 1985. I then changed careers in 1986. Finances were tight as we lived paycheck to paycheck. Nothing too serious, though. I mean, we were both working (Karen was a registered nurse), credit cards weren’t a habit back then, and we didn’t have school loans, so there wasn’t serious debt beyond our mortgage and one car payment.

But we certainly were not saving for the future!

And no matter where we lived or what our income was, one thing seemed to dog us: The sin of spontaneous, impulsive and, yes, immature, spending. Till 1987.

That’s when everything changed—for the better. I don’t even know why. I just know we had an epiphany—the veil had been lifted—and we both realized we could do better.

Yes, I had moved into a higher income profession selling management and leadership training to corporations, but the change that truly made the difference was we began engaging in some much needed disciplines.

Here’s what happened:

(Warning—no rocket science is about to be shared!)

We went to a cash system. In envelopes. They sat full of paper bills in a kitchen drawer. Safe? Maybe not. Smart? You betcha! We wrote down everything we spent. We talked about money. As Dave Ramsey says, we “bothered to bother.” In other words, we cared enough to stay on top of where our money was coming from and where it was going. It became a purposeful pursuit and practice, a part of our lifestyle.

I can’t say it was always fun. Those childlike desires of wanting whatever we wanted when we wanted it were still there and needed to be tamped down. Sometimes, they had to be stomped on hard—with those stupid western boots we never wore anymore!

Admittedly, it did create some marital stress when I would ask, “OK, what did you spend today?” Yeah, I was sometimes a bit obsessed with the “tracking and recording” procedures.

But I will also say this, and Karen would agree: The strain of monitoring where the dollars were going was a lot less painful than having the financial wolf at the door. Not only that, the positive outcomes of “bothering to bother” were these: We increased our saving, our charitable giving, and our peace of mind.

Now that’s victory!

It all came from living by a few simple, commonsense disciplines. And may I add, working hard to take some personal accountability for subordinating our childlike desires and practices. Man, those bad habits will do great damage to one’s finances … we know!

Twenty-five years later, living debt free, Karen and I know this: It’s an amazing blessing to not owe any person one dime. Banishing that wolf forever is surely a worthy goal. It’s also one that Dave Ramsey’s teachings can help anyone achieve. So stop by www.daveramsey.com today and on Thursday 1/26/12 at 3:30 Eastern time, turn your radio on as Dave and I talk about the just released “gently revised” version of the QBQ! book.

PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY—a timely and timeless message.

Oh, and if you’re a parent or happen know one, the brand new Parenting the QBQ Way e-Book can be found here: http://qbq.com/parents

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Outstanding Holidays Don’t Just Happen

John G. Miller
Author of Outstanding!

Outstanding Holidays Don’t Just Happen

The holidays.

A season all about Family, Faith, and Friends. For many, it’s also a time of Food, Football, Festivities, Fun—and Freedom. Not just the blessing of living in a “free country,” but also maybe—just maybe—a little less tied to our jobs and a little more sleeping, puttering, and simply doing nothing on some days! Sounds great, doesn’t it?

But how about these words? Frenetic—a crazy, stress-filled pace. Finances—jubilant joy leads to dangerous debt. Frustration—things don’t quite go the way we planned. Fear—of being alone, left out. Fatigue—we simply do too much and return in January needing the month just to recover!

The reality is this: The holidays, for lots of people, just aren’t what they’re cracked up to be. Though we want them to stand out—that is, to be outstanding—they often fall short of our expectations. But, with some work, some discipline, and some adherence to fundamental ideas and principles, we can each experience an exceptional season.

By extracting concepts from the book Outstanding!—yes, written for the world of corporations, nonprofits, government entities, churches and schools—and applying them to this time of year, we can make the best of the holidays. And since most holiday celebrations involve families—which are organizations—let’s utilize the essences of nine of the 47 Outstanding! chapters to create a stellar season!

Choose to Change: Holiday traditions are great, but remember: Any strength taken to an extreme becomes a weakness. Outstanding families, like outstanding organizations, are willing to set aside “the way we’ve always done things” now and then. Keeping the end goals of joy, fun, and celebration in mind, we might need do things differently. Never forget: Blessed are the flexible, for they cause others to not get bent out of shape!

Keep the Mission Top of Mind: If you believe the “reason for the season” is faith (worshiping God and being thankful) and/or family (traditions and coming together) then don’t forget the “Why” behind the activities. Let purpose come before tasks, otherwise, the tasks can overwhelm the mission—and what’s the sense in that?

Get Actions In Line With Values: If we espouse values like love, caring, and acceptance, let’s ensure that our behaviors support those ideas. Integrity—actions in line with stated values—is a rare commodity in our world, so let’s allow that light to shine at home. Example: If we embrace the word “humility,” let’s avoid boasting, bragging, and topping each other in our interactions. Another: If I say I believe in relaxing and resting, then draw a few boundaries and say NO! if you really want to. It’s okay to not participate in some activities this time of year.

Fight the Fat: And we’re not talking about calories here! As Dave Ramsey says, when it comes to finances, “Bother to bother.” In other words, decide to stay on top of and in control of the dollars. By cutting up the plastic money and living within our means, we’ll experience a far more joyous … January!

Forgive Mistakes: What could be a more perfect way to achieve outstanding holidays than to let some stuff slide? Humans sometimes do say the wrong thing, make mistakes, exercise poor judgment, drop the ball, and forget to act. When these things happen, it’s an amazing opportunity to choose forgiveness. Practice the words, “No big deal. Let’s forget it.”

Let Every Player Count: A little lifting up of each person is a good thing. Careful that one individual’s needs and agenda don’t “rule the roost.” Let’s do our best to help each person—from 2 to 92—feel special. It’s a time to honor everyone on the team!

Speak Well: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) So true! As the tension and stress build, make sure that the way we talk to others—both our words and tone—is encouraging, loving, and supportive.

Listen In All Directions: In Outstanding! we write about listening in three ways: Management listening to the people, the people listening to each other, and everyone listening to the customer. My favorite part is where we take “multi-tasking” to task as a very bad habit. During these precious days, let’s set the iPods, laptops, and PDAs aside—cease the Tweeting, status updating, and surfing—and look each other in the eye, saying, “Go ahead, you are the most important person in my world at this moment and I want to hear every word you have to say.”

Someone Needs to Be the Boss: Lastly, parents, I beseech you—please parent! Family gatherings are hurt when the wrong people are in charge: the children. Let’s hold our kids to a new (yet old fashioned) level of respect, manners, and courtesy. The truth is, it’s not all about the children—and sometimes they need to know that. If your young child needs a really long “time out,” then take action. Don’t be afraid to let him or her know that—surprise, surprise!—you are the boss. (More on outstanding parenting in the new ebook coming soon titled “Parenting the QBQ Way”)

So there they are: Nine ways to have an outstanding holiday season. Share this with others—apply them yourself—and see what a difference they can make. And then come back in 2012 ready to make our organizations outstanding, too!

John G. Miller
Author of … http://qbq.com/qbq-books

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Be Like Butler Brad!

by John G. Miller

Twitter: @QBQguy

I grew up a wrestler. For that reasonand because I top out at 5′ 6″I’ve never been much of a basketball fan. And if I did watch the sport on TV, it was the NBA and our local Denver Nuggets, not the NCAA. But that’s all changed now, thanks to Coach Brad at Butler University.

A digression …

In September of 2010, we received a QBQ! QuickNote subscription from Cathy in Indiana. As many of you know, when you sign up we ask, “How did you hear of QBQ!?” The responses range from “My dad told me about it!” to “I found a copy at the thrift store!” to “Our CEO bought everybody a copy!” It’s always fun for me to see how QBQ! (as well as Flipping the Switch and Outstanding!) came into someone’s life.

And on that day in 2010 Cathy wrote this:

“Brad Stevens, the head coach of the Butler Bulldogs basketball team (NCAA runner-up to Duke in 2010), spoke at our staff meeting. Part of his message was about personal accountability, and he mentioned the QBQ! book. He said it is required reading for all of his players. When something goes wrong on the court like a bad call, missed pass, or a player loses his man on defense, the players can come back to the sidelines distracted by what just happened. That’s when the coaching staff simply says “QBQ!” and everybody knows what that meansand gets refocused. Something certainly is working for them, so I was compelled to read the QBQ! book, too.”

Honestly, my first thought was, Who is Brad Stevens? Well, thanks to Cathy’s note and a call the same week from an Alabama coach looking for QBQ! books for his team (he’d heard about QBQ! from Coach Brad, as well), I thought it was high time I thank this guywhoever he was!

Well, what a treat it was when Coach Brad responded to my email, affirming it’s true that all Butler players for the past several years have been given QBQ! to read.

So, I started to take note of this man from afar—and I am impressed. Allow me to share what I think he understands …

Teamwork: Coach Brad knows that even in a tremendously collaborative arena like basketball, it’s STILL ABOUT THE INDIVIDUAL. Don’t buy the lie, “There are no I’s in team!” Not true. Every corporate, nonprofit, athletic, family, and church team I’ve ever come across is full of I’s. And it’s amazing what a team can do when each person practices Personal Accountability. Teamwork is great, but high functioning teams are built on individuals who don’t blame, procrastinate, or engage in victim thinking.

Humility: After Butler’s come-from-behind victory against Florida in the 2011 NCAA tourney, he stated in an ESPN interview that he’d been “out coached” and that his assistants and team had carried him. This statement, coming after a big win, caused a lot of head scratching in the media. Why? Well, it’s simple: The sports world isn’t accustomed to hearing contrite statements like that.

Perspective: People speculate about which big school might offer him a ton of money to come coach. To that Coach Brad says, “It’s not like I’m a guy who thinks the grass is greener somewhere else just because everybody says it’s supposed to be. I think that we are very fortunate to have really green grass at Butler.” For a young guy who’s become famous real fast, he still has both feet planted firmly on the ground. A rarity in our world today.

Maturity: Go ahead, watch him on the sidelines. This is one guy you won’t see cussing at the officials and throwing chairs out of childlike anger. His calm and cool style is an outstanding example for players and coaches everywhere … and the rest of us, too.

Grace: After Butler’s loss to University of Connecticut in the 2011 finals, he stated, “I don’t love my guys any less because we lost.” Hmmm, I bet young athletes everywhere could stand to hear an it’s-not-all-about-winning message from mom and dad, and their coaches, too.

Personal Accountability: Coach Stevens made a very meaningful statement to me. He said, “Accountability is a core value for our team and QBQ! defines it for us.” Obviously, I couldn’t be more honored. Thank you, Coach! But after watching him being interviewed several times now, I didn’t really need him to tell me that. It’s evident in his words and his actions. Clearly, Personal Accountability is not just a corporate value for the Butler team, but a personal value for the Butler coach.

I’m sure there is much more to Coach Brad Stevensthe husband, the dad, the man of faith—but I’ve never met him. I hope to someday. And if I do, it’ll be me asking for his autograph. I’ll also thank him for not only engendering in a former grappler an interest in college basketball, but for representing his sport in an outstanding way.

Note: As always, we’d be delighted to have you forward this QuickNote to everyone you know, but at the very least, please send to coaches, school superintendents, and athletic directors everywhere. Thank you!

John G. Miller
The QBQ! Guy
Author of …

Outstanding!, QBQ!, and Flipping the Switch

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